Friday, May 22, 2009

Help Wanted.....

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment i s due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Experience Required, Please.....

Am I the only one who is tired of the advice columns and articles on What to do when you are unemployed, How to cope with being unemployed, How to find a job when you are unemployed, and How to be happy and contented when you are unemployed?

Actually, the main reason that I am tired of those columns and articles, is that they are written by people who are EMPLOYED! It’s easy to sit back and say and write enjoy yourself and your time off and go out and “smell the roses”, when you are the guy growing, selling, pocketing the money for the roses and collecting a regular weekly paycheck. It’s a lot different and more difficult when you are the guy scrounging around to find the money to buy a couple of daisies! I really think that you need some recent first hand experience on the unemployment line to fully understand what is going on and how difficult it is.

I have tried all of the networking, and websites and job fairs. I have tried finding all of those so called “hidden” jobs and have applied to temporary consultant jobs and have gone through the long explanations, given in the advice columns, to explain why I am not “overqualified” for a particular job, or if I am, how it could still benefit the company, and how I really don’t care if I am “overqualified”. I am still unemployed, though. Most people that I have talked to have also done these same things and are still unemployed and not real happy or contented about it.

Despite what those columns say, and what the government itself may be trying to tell us to try and paint a somewhat hopeful picture, today I received the following very telling email from one of the Recruiting / Management Consulting Firms that I have been working with which really sums up the situation:

“Some of you are concerned that I have not sent any new positions/projects within the past few week. It has been tough and jobs are very limited. Most of our clients are trying to hold onto their core group, and others have had lay offs and hiring freezes.”

And that’s really the way it is. So, going forward, please only those who are actually, currently unemployed should write advice columns and articles about being unemployed. Of course, then, I guess, if they are writing the articles that would mean that they were no longer unemployed, but, you get the picture.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

And the Good News Is.....

The Labor Department reported today that the number of newly laid off workers applying for benefits dropped to 601,000 last week. According to the Labor Department, that was far better than the rise to 635,000 claims that had been expected!

Wow! Now that’s what I call grasping for straws and trying to be optimistic at all costs. I know that the government is trying to spin the economic problems and try and put somewhat of a positive face on things, but 601,000 new claims for unemployment, which means 601,000 new lost jobs, doesn’t sound too optimistic to me. What I would like to read is the number of new jobs created and the number of people who went back to work…unfortunately, I don’t think those numbers exist.

By the way, the Labor Department also reported that the total number of unemployed workers getting benefits climbed to a new record high of 6.35 million, and that’s just the number of people actually getting benefits. It does not count those whose benefits have run out and who are no longer getting benefits.

This is why both the housing and auto industries are still in big trouble and will probably stay in big trouble for a long time yet. With people still losing their jobs and other people still afraid of losing their jobs, people are afraid to make big, long term purchases no matter how much credit the banks make available. Not until the employment situation stabilizes will these industries begin to recover.